Much like the early Portuguese, French and English explorers who managed to miss the extremely large lump of continental mass that has sat in the Pacific Ocean for millions of years, now known as Australia. The modern day media has just discovered the Booty. Land A’Hoy! traversing booty bumblers, two large bumpa-lumps have been spotted on the strangely named continent of Iggy Azalea. Land mass sightings can confirm the fissures in the mass, formerly known as the box gap have been sealed, and excess mass has been magically transferred to the spherical shaped stores in the continental derriere.
2014 is the year of the booty. 2012 was the year of the box gap. Unfortunately for me, I’ve never been qualified to celebrate or bask in the glory of either one. But I hope 2016 will be the year of ‘left boob bigger than the right boob’, I’d probably organize the festival, direct the video clips and be the face (or boobs) of the sexy campaign. Of notable appearance in the booty songs of 2014 including J-Lo’s “Booty”, Meghan Trainers’ “All about that bass” and Nicki Minaj’s “Anaconda”. The songs are catchy, and as hot as a 1987 Toyota on a 40 degree day.
Western media’s festishization of women’s bodies, in particular singular body parts, lends itself to the notion of ‘active’ anatomical parts- like their butts actively do things, apart from release gas and provide cushioning for bones. Nicki tames Anaconda’s with hers, Jenny from the block shakes the room with her ass (probably bending lighting fixtures) and Meghan’s ‘Boom Boom’ make men chase her. With all this chasing, rocking and shaking of rooms and inanimate objects surrounding it, I’m mildly surprised booty’s have not been labeled health hazards or formed into a troupe of super heroes. Well I’m here to tell you 5 things that my booty don’t do
- My booty can’t shake a room and cause fixtures to break
You know that slight over hang of ass at the bottom your underwear that creates a perfectly round, and lifted, silhouette of ass-with appropriate aerodynamics for shaking? No, neither do I.
- My booty can’t tame snakes
Not all booty’s were made equal. In fact my ass can’t apply discipline to anything especially not living creatures. Most of the time it just sits there. Maybe it should take up the ‘pungi’, also know as the snake-charming instrument.
- My booty can’t make a snack
Part of being an active and healthy creature is preparing healthy snacks like carrot sticks and hummus dips. My booty can’t do that. I wouldn’t be surprised if Iggy’s butt could prepare a quinoa and kale salad.
- My booty can’t start a Tsunami
Sometimes when I enter the water at my local beach or swimming pool, I worry the enormous pressurized impact of my butt might move earth plates or distrupt the earths core, like J-Lo’s butt. Fortunately I mostly just have to worry about regularly reapplying sunscreen to my incredibly pale skin.
- My booty doesn’t have a preference for music
I like to play the trumpet, which is in treble clef and sometimes I play trombone in bass clef. I used to worry that my ass would violently disagree with my choice in a treble instrument, like Meghan Trainor’s butt, who has a preference for bass. Luckily that hasn’t happened in the past 22 years.
My booty can’t move mountains and probably couldn’t take a on a super hero persona. It doesn’t carry enough #jigglewiggle to feature in Red Foo’s video clip either. But god damn, it provides a pleasurable seating experience.